Wednesday, May 26, 2010

A Love Letter of Sorts

Dear Shower Curtain,

This may be the most difficult letter I’ve ever written. As I’m sure you’ve noticed there have been some changes around the homestead. There has been a lot more use of cleaning products, putting items away after they are used, and even a concerted effort to pick-up the unending supply of discarded arm hairs and nose hairs.

Can you believe we have been together for over a decade? Think about it, our relationship has lasted longer than presidential terms and an entire series of VH1’s I love the (insert decade of your choice). We’ve seen the conclusion of Dawson’s Creek, the entire series of Lost, and more baseball games than is worth counting. And through that time you have always been there for me. Hanging strong and proud. You never balked at when I disrobed, never flinched when I accidentally turned on the cold water first. Like a loyal and true friend you moved with me from home to home.

But our time has come to an end. Like Abbott and Costello, Bill and Ted, Tina and Ike, and Peanut Butter and Jelly; the curtain is descending. I’m sure you are going to be stunned into silence by this revelation, and that you may protest by hanging around lifelessly; all of these are to be expected. But this change is going to happen.

Not that it will mean much, but it’s not your fault. You’ve done nothing wrong. And, just between you and me, it isn’t of my choosing either. I know, I know, don’t cry. I can see the drips beading up on your liner right now. It’s, well…it’s complicated. See, the Redhead is moving in this weekend. I’m very excited about this change. I’m ecstatic. But she has suggested (read: demanded) that you go.

I pleaded for you. I begged. But she said, and I quote, “I hate it.” It’s not your fault. I swear. Only, please understand, mature adult relationships are complicated. Sometimes things become more than just stuff, but that transition isn’t always noticeable to everyone else. Sometimes a home means two people purchasing stuff as a symbol to the world, a manifesto so to speak, about what the relationship stands for. And I’m sure you did your best to make her feel comfortable; but when forced to chose, I have to let you go.

I’ll do my best to place you in a nice home. Maybe one with a big bathroom with two sinks and heated floor tiles. I’ll even try to come and visit as often as possible. But we both know we are going our separate ways.

So. Goodbye.

Spike

19 comments:

Morgan said...

OMG! I literally just laughed out loud and then got caught up in a coughing fit... you are hilarious. If you love the shower curtain so much why don't you marry it then? You guys can have tie-dye looking babies together. Wait.. Wait just one minute...

This is where your love of neon glow clothes came from didn't it? DIDN'T IT!? OMG I don't know why I didn't I didn't see it all before. I'm on to you Spike... and I've got my eye on you...

Harold said...

LMAO!! You should have posted a pic so we can see just how fugly this curtain is!

EZEthan said...

First off... who would have thunk that peanut butter and jelly has their own wikipedia page... thanks for taking the time to link to it!!!

Secondly... you're not just going to throw that thing away are you?!? I ask, because I'm thinking that you have the perfect item here for an blogger giveaway!!!

GeorgiaSnail said...

pre-marathon warming cape?

Amy said...

Yay!!! Congrats!!!

Hopefully the shower liner has been changed since you've had the curtain. Eww....

Katie A. said...

Really, 10 years? I don't think mine ever last 10 months! That RedHead is a smart cookie - hold her tight!
Congrats on the new roomie!

Stephanie said...

How funny! You two are just hilarious! Can't wait to hear all of the fun stories to come as co-living (is that a word??) together! Good luck, and remember, that that shower curtain is just one "small" sign of what is to come!!!:)

Adam said...

Quitter.

Can you at least turn it into some curtains or something? Maybe bedroom curtains. Those would look RIGHT nice.

Shannon said...

That is a pretty hideous shower curtain! LOL Just kidding, it's not THAT bad! I think it could be toned down... somehow? ha!

Xenia said...

Heh. :)

Viper said...

Is it supposed to look like that, or are those stripes actually striations of 10 years of mildew?

Sassy Molassy said...

Baaaahahahaha. I'm one of Morgan's readers. Thanks for the laugh.

Sassy Molassy said...

P.S. As you've shown, exercising your right to let the woman put her touch on the decorating is a wise decision. By giving over that power, everyone wins.

Mel -Tall Mom on the Run said...

Lose the battle win the war. LOL!!

Robin said...

And so it begins.... Ch-ch-changes.... LOL!

I think you're getting an awesome trade. Take care of my "Virtual Daughter," there, kiddo, b/c I too, have my eye on you...(now)!

HUGS to you both. It's hard knowing that Ms. Morgan won't be a phone call away for a run w/ the Orlando Turtle, but I knew from the beginning, she had found her match.

I'll be looking for the new shower curtain you guys purchasge "together" as your symbol...blah, blah, blah...

STAY IN TOUCH! Maybe we'll see you guys in Sept, when Rick and I travel to Chi-town for the Chi Half.

r.

Sun Runner said...

The next thing to go will be the Plaid Couch. I can see it now. Abandoned on the curb with a "FREE" sign affixed to it.

Seriously, you need to go all Scarlett-O'Hara-Curtain-Dress with that thing. Find someone who knows how to sew and have them make the curtain into something you can wear.

(P.S. that "person who can sew" is NOT me. I can barely sew on a button.)

Paul said...

Mate, feed that thing to the goat.

5 Miles 2 Empty said...

Blog giveaway!!! I'll win it!! =)

TallGuySurfing said...

Hahaha.... and you're throwing that away right about the time the horrible neon 80s fashion seems to be trying to make a come back (at least in the surfing world)? LOL... nice post.